If I Knew Then, What I Know Now

I pray that each breath becomes easier. Yet, the opposite happens. My chest gets tighter. My heart begins to race, my need for oxygen worsens, my stomach falls into the deep abyss, and I feel my heart wrench.

I have my good days. I also have my bad days. And then I have my in-between days. I’ve been having a lot of in-between days.

These past 3 months have been a living nightmare. A horror flick I can’t close my eyes to. I try my hardest not to cry, to no avail. Crying does nothing but dampen my face. 

I want a do over of 2012. I’m only 22, but this was without a doubt been one of the hardest years, emotionally, physically, spiritually, personally, literally, figuratively, financially. 

Through all the pain I’ve caused..I am able to say that I’ve learned more than I’ve lost. Yet, through all the pain I’ve seem to cause and the damage that I did..it seems I’ve learned nothing. I’ve hurt the few people that mean that absolute most to me. I wish, with everything fiber of my being, with every power in my being that I could change it all, do it all over again, try again. 

Second chances. I look at the road signs from the window, thinking I’ve been here before.. 

I WANT PEACE IN MY LIFE. That’s what my heart is screaming. 

I struggle to find the appropriate words to say. I feel like nothing is apt enough to calm my heart. There’s so need to say, but none of them express my sentiments. How don’t  know how to word what I should say, with what I want to say, with what I need to say, with what I can’t say. 

I wish this was easy. But nothing worth having is easy, right? But things shouldn’t be this hard. 

It’s like moving mountains…

My heart is obliterated..I’m trying to through..gotta move this mountain..

 

After all the tears have subsided and I begin to take control of my emotions, I know good days are not too far away. Tomorrow might not be that bad, tomorrow could be a great day. My only strength is my faith. Somewhere inside of me, there’s a small piece that knows that GOD has already worked this situation out for HIS good (not mine)..and that all this pain..all these tears is simply me going through the storm which will be over. The is the longest storm ever, GOD. I get antsy, impatient. I want so badly to do something drastic, ANYTHING. This silence, this lack of communication feels like it’s eating me alive. All I have are my thoughts and prayer. Helpless. I’ll be okay.

Above all be blessed,

Ajaybeeee