The Beginning of the Beginning

I think I did what I had to in the face of foreign policy.

No decision we have made in our lives is easy or without consequence. Every path that we taken leads us to a new direction in our lives. When we make [hard] decisions that have the potential to throw our path off course, it requires courage. It demands internal strength that no matter what, you keep your head down and charge head first forward.

Our options were limited. Did I want to do more? Did I try to do more? Of course!

No matter what I did. Regardless of what I said. It wasn’t going to work. My options were limited and laid out before my eyes. The outcome was already decided. Did I want to do more? Every second of every hour of every day. Did I try to do more? With every fiber of my physical being. It wasn’t that I wasn’t enough. The decision was already made.

I hope we don’t consider this a defeat – because it’s not.

Losing the battles pale in comparison to winning the war. Our life journey is not about winning all the battles and ultimately losing the war – it’s the opposite. You can get knocked down 1,000 times, but the only time when you’ll be defeated is when you don’t get back up. It’s not about how hard you get hit – it’s about how you respond to that blow. Always get back up. This is a far cry from the end. Our lives are just beginning.

Despite the circumstances. Despite the insurmountable obstacles – we tried.

For maybe months to no avail. The end result was always the end result, we just didn’t see it until it was up in our faces. Regardless of the “what could have been’s” – we tried. But this was a battle we were destined to lose. We tried..and trying is always better than never having taken the risk.

And now it’s important to know when to move on.

Each day has the potential to be exponentially greater than the previous. What we get out of our lives is directly proportional to what we put into it. When moving forward is the only option you have before you, it’s not that you’re forgetting your past. Your experiences will always be with you. They become an indelible part of you – a scar [if you will]. There’s a reason and a story behind every scar. As much as getting the scar hurt, eventually it heals. The bleeding stops…the pain subsides…and the healing process begins. You move on…

So that’s what we’re doing – we’re moving on…

Above all be blessed,

ajaybeeee

Advertisements

The Bright(er) Side

The good days are the best days.

Laughter and prayer have been sustaining me. Memes are by FAR the funniest things ever! Something so simple/basic just makes me bust out laughing. And I love it. Laughing is an outlet. It releases the tension that builds up. It drives out the bad. It changes the negative, potential energy into positive, kinetic energy.

Prayer releases everything on my heart and mind. Every night talking to 1 man that truly understands me, never judges me, loves me, and guides me has been the most satisfying feeling TO DATE. Most of the time I don’t even want to fall asleep, I just want to keep talking. He’s my confidant. He solves all my problems, corrects my wrongs, fixes my “issues” & still loves me JUST the same. That’s more than I can say for some people in my life besides my mother & my dogs. Jesus is my foundation & my salvation. He never gets bored of my thoughts.

I’m alllmmost in the single digits on my car payment, which is great news. Everyone says that under 10K is a breeze. Then I’ll OFFICIALLY own something. And I love my car, so it’s a win-win.

I’m down 5lbs since last week (and possibly more since I’ve started this 2 months ago) – and the losing hasn’t shown signs of slowing down. Working out 7 days a week hasn’t burnt me out, it’s only increased my drive. I only east 1200 calories a day (usually I’m under that) & I meticulously watch everything I eat (and I’m STILL hungry). If I can’t track it, I don’t eat it. My health is my #1 priority. I’ve seen too many YOUNG girls that beyond overweight (I’m not excluding myself here, either). And it’s hard to watch. I’m not sure if they 100% understand the consequences of NOT choosing a healthier lifestyle. Diabetes, Cardio Vascular Disease, Hypertension, Stroke/Heart Attack. Those are diseases that don’t go away. Pills & needles will be their future. That’s not the life I want. The only pill I want to be on is a vitamin & excedrine for the headaches. Maybe I’m wrong to point out those girls, but I’m one of them. Only different is I’m taking control. I’m doing everything I possibly can to make sure I’m never one of those girls again. You only live once – that’s not an excuse to not take care of yourself. I want to live to see my 80s & 90s, so I’m acting like it.

Ya’see, there’s this bright side & I’m living on it. Feeding off its’ energy. The day is good.

Above All Be Blessed,

ajaybeeee

The hardest part is getting through each day knowing that a person is no longer a part of your life.

I remember the day my father died. I remember him being carried away on a stretcher. The next memory is him lying in his casket…I swear he looked like he was sleeping. What I didn’t understand is why he wouldn’t wake up.

The last memory I have is his casket being lowered into the ground. I had no idea what was happening…I was 5. But I remember that day like it was yesterday.

Losing someone, in my opinion is the deepest form of hurt – because it stays. No matter how much time has passed, or how far along in “your walk” – the hurt is still there. A breakup is no different from death.

I prayed for the bad days, because I knew they were coming. 

I’ve been mum on everything. For many reasons that I don’t feel are pertinent at the moment. I’ve tried to not let this loss affect me, because I don’t want to be negative and beat myself up and discourage myself. The only thing I repeat in my head on a bad day is, “This moment is fleeting” I just want to shout, scream, cry, kick, punch, and yell. But this moment is fleeting, it won’t be here for long. But it will be back again. I’m sure of it. Just like I miss my daddy, I’ll always miss him. My mind shifts to all the good, even the bad. Because even in the bad, I see good.

Love is an absolutely inexplicable feeling. I can’t even put into words how amazing it is to love and be loved.

But things change. Just like the sun sets, so must all things end. 

I’m grateful for the love I’ve experienced. No matter how much it hurts at the present moment, I have loved with all my heart – even though at times it may not have been perceived as such.

What happened doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t warrant me unworthy. I am not incapable. If anything I am stronger, wiser, more aware, and focused.

As much as this hurts now, I know it won’t hurt in my future. GOD heals everything with time.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different” 

Such a hard quote. As for that, while part of me wishes the end result was not the end result. Another part of me knows that things worked out exactly how they should have. I don’t know what that means. I have no interest in exploring that just yet. I’m just letting myself experience this moment, right here.

My only prayer tonight is strength. I don’t want or need anything else…

Above All Be Blessed,

ajaybeeee