The hardest part is getting through each day knowing that a person is no longer a part of your life.

I remember the day my father died. I remember him being carried away on a stretcher. The next memory is him lying in his casket…I swear he looked like he was sleeping. What I didn’t understand is why he wouldn’t wake up.

The last memory I have is his casket being lowered into the ground. I had no idea what was happening…I was 5. But I remember that day like it was yesterday.

Losing someone, in my opinion is the deepest form of hurt – because it stays. No matter how much time has passed, or how far along in “your walk” – the hurt is still there. A breakup is no different from death.

I prayed for the bad days, because I knew they were coming. 

I’ve been mum on everything. For many reasons that I don’t feel are pertinent at the moment. I’ve tried to not let this loss affect me, because I don’t want to be negative and beat myself up and discourage myself. The only thing I repeat in my head on a bad day is, “This moment is fleeting” I just want to shout, scream, cry, kick, punch, and yell. But this moment is fleeting, it won’t be here for long. But it will be back again. I’m sure of it. Just like I miss my daddy, I’ll always miss him. My mind shifts to all the good, even the bad. Because even in the bad, I see good.

Love is an absolutely inexplicable feeling. I can’t even put into words how amazing it is to love and be loved.

But things change. Just like the sun sets, so must all things end. 

I’m grateful for the love I’ve experienced. No matter how much it hurts at the present moment, I have loved with all my heart – even though at times it may not have been perceived as such.

What happened doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t warrant me unworthy. I am not incapable. If anything I am stronger, wiser, more aware, and focused.

As much as this hurts now, I know it won’t hurt in my future. GOD heals everything with time.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different” 

Such a hard quote. As for that, while part of me wishes the end result was not the end result. Another part of me knows that things worked out exactly how they should have. I don’t know what that means. I have no interest in exploring that just yet. I’m just letting myself experience this moment, right here.

My only prayer tonight is strength. I don’t want or need anything else…

Above All Be Blessed,

ajaybeeee

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