The hardest part is getting through each day knowing that a person is no longer a part of your life.

I remember the day my father died. I remember him being carried away on a stretcher. The next memory is him lying in his casket…I swear he looked like he was sleeping. What I didn’t understand is why he wouldn’t wake up.

The last memory I have is his casket being lowered into the ground. I had no idea what was happening…I was 5. But I remember that day like it was yesterday.

Losing someone, in my opinion is the deepest form of hurt – because it stays. No matter how much time has passed, or how far along in “your walk” – the hurt is still there. A breakup is no different from death.

I prayed for the bad days, because I knew they were coming. 

I’ve been mum on everything. For many reasons that I don’t feel are pertinent at the moment. I’ve tried to not let this loss affect me, because I don’t want to be negative and beat myself up and discourage myself. The only thing I repeat in my head on a bad day is, “This moment is fleeting” I just want to shout, scream, cry, kick, punch, and yell. But this moment is fleeting, it won’t be here for long. But it will be back again. I’m sure of it. Just like I miss my daddy, I’ll always miss him. My mind shifts to all the good, even the bad. Because even in the bad, I see good.

Love is an absolutely inexplicable feeling. I can’t even put into words how amazing it is to love and be loved.

But things change. Just like the sun sets, so must all things end. 

I’m grateful for the love I’ve experienced. No matter how much it hurts at the present moment, I have loved with all my heart – even though at times it may not have been perceived as such.

What happened doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t warrant me unworthy. I am not incapable. If anything I am stronger, wiser, more aware, and focused.

As much as this hurts now, I know it won’t hurt in my future. GOD heals everything with time.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different” 

Such a hard quote. As for that, while part of me wishes the end result was not the end result. Another part of me knows that things worked out exactly how they should have. I don’t know what that means. I have no interest in exploring that just yet. I’m just letting myself experience this moment, right here.

My only prayer tonight is strength. I don’t want or need anything else…

Above All Be Blessed,

ajaybeeee

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If I Knew Then, What I Know Now

I pray that each breath becomes easier. Yet, the opposite happens. My chest gets tighter. My heart begins to race, my need for oxygen worsens, my stomach falls into the deep abyss, and I feel my heart wrench.

I have my good days. I also have my bad days. And then I have my in-between days. I’ve been having a lot of in-between days.

These past 3 months have been a living nightmare. A horror flick I can’t close my eyes to. I try my hardest not to cry, to no avail. Crying does nothing but dampen my face. 

I want a do over of 2012. I’m only 22, but this was without a doubt been one of the hardest years, emotionally, physically, spiritually, personally, literally, figuratively, financially. 

Through all the pain I’ve caused..I am able to say that I’ve learned more than I’ve lost. Yet, through all the pain I’ve seem to cause and the damage that I did..it seems I’ve learned nothing. I’ve hurt the few people that mean that absolute most to me. I wish, with everything fiber of my being, with every power in my being that I could change it all, do it all over again, try again. 

Second chances. I look at the road signs from the window, thinking I’ve been here before.. 

I WANT PEACE IN MY LIFE. That’s what my heart is screaming. 

I struggle to find the appropriate words to say. I feel like nothing is apt enough to calm my heart. There’s so need to say, but none of them express my sentiments. How don’t  know how to word what I should say, with what I want to say, with what I need to say, with what I can’t say. 

I wish this was easy. But nothing worth having is easy, right? But things shouldn’t be this hard. 

It’s like moving mountains…

My heart is obliterated..I’m trying to through..gotta move this mountain..

 

After all the tears have subsided and I begin to take control of my emotions, I know good days are not too far away. Tomorrow might not be that bad, tomorrow could be a great day. My only strength is my faith. Somewhere inside of me, there’s a small piece that knows that GOD has already worked this situation out for HIS good (not mine)..and that all this pain..all these tears is simply me going through the storm which will be over. The is the longest storm ever, GOD. I get antsy, impatient. I want so badly to do something drastic, ANYTHING. This silence, this lack of communication feels like it’s eating me alive. All I have are my thoughts and prayer. Helpless. I’ll be okay.

Above all be blessed,

Ajaybeeee 

I’m the LA and he’s the LO.

I fell in love a little more than a year ago. I saw him..and thought he was the cutest boy I’ve ever seen…and I still maintain that he is. 

I swore off love/relationships. I found myself young and in love. After a series of events, our relationship ended & I decided to travel 500 miles away to remove myself from the situation – Greatest personal decision I’ve ever made. The 2nd time I found myself in love with a man, was probably the most eye-opening. I made the decision that if any man did not have the same beliefs as me, there could be no relationships. I lost myself in both of those relationships. I became all about the person & not enough about me. So when they left, I was empty. Not this time. I have learned that I have to take care of me, JUST as much as I try to take care of my significant other. 

It was my 21st birthday in bible study when I noticed him..I saw him smiling and laughing. When I found out what his name was, I swore off dating him. Why would I date a man who’s name was ONE LETTER different from mine? People would think I’d make this up. The next time I saw him, I found out he liked the Boston Celtics..and I’ve been a die-hard fan since ’08. So I played my cards right & managed to strike up a convo. I did it – I was in! Let’s fast-forward through all the mumbo jumbo. Talking to him was the best part of my day. Hearing his voice, or seeing that he had texted me just gave me butterflies all over. Our connection was undeniable. I would think of him & he would text or call. I’d say something & it’d be his exact thought. 

I found myself falling in love all over again..a mere 4 months after a bad breakup & a wave of depression that I felt was going to take over my life. I was happy. 

I don’t think I’ve ever loved as man as much as I do with him. I know I’m not the easier girl..sometimes I can be a real handful..but he does an amazing job at putting up with me. He’s unlike any man I know..and I’m proud to be in a relationship with him. 

I’m not thinking wedding bells & baby carriages. 

Yes, I watch wedding shows & yes I can’t wait to have children. But at this point in my life, I love traveling and doing things that I wouldn’t be able to do with children. I’m not ready for marriage. I’m ready to be with one man, yes. But GOD hasn’t finished preparing me to be someone’s wife. I’m not ready to take that title. I’m content being someone’s girlfriend. 

This whole relationship stuff is HARD work. It’s like a full-time job that you don’t get paid for. But the bonuses are MORE than worth it. The hardest part is being 500 miles away..and just wanting to be right next to them. It’s hard not seeing him everyday. 

We slowed danced to Luther Vandross – “Always & Forever” ..that’s our song. We said that if we could get past this summer, we could get past anything – and we meant it. I still mean it. This has been the most emotionally difficult summer in my entire life. Ups and downs..only followed by more downs than ups. We let it get the best of us. 

 

When I stop to think & reflect..besides GOD…he is my greatest love. He’s a part of my life that I never knew existed. He’s the calmER side of me. He’s my logic. 

I wrote this as self-reflection, not to boast or anything. I wrote this so if he may happen to read it, he’d understand the depth of my love for him..although I haven’t hesitated telling him. 

While we still have a long way to go before I could even consider saying, “I Do.” I can say with full faith and confidence, that there is no greater man I’d rather spend every good and and bad day, every argument and tear-inducing laugh with than him. 

I’m in love..and proud. 

Above all be blessed

ajaybeeee

More Than Words

“The best thing about a paper jam is it forces you to open up the machine & figure out what went wrong in the 1st place.” 

The issues of our lives, the problematic situations we often find ourselves in are the equivalent to paper jams. Somehow, somewhere along the line, the paper gets stuck, forcing you to open up the machine & remove the paper or simply set the paper right again. 

You are the machine. Our problems, issues, short-comings, failures, weaknesses are the paper. While we’re going through the motions of life, we’re often hit with a paper jam that throws everything off course and out of whack. 

What it means when you have to open the machine up to figure out what went wrong, translate to you have to look inside yourself to fix the problem. I recently spoke with a friend, a beautiful GOD-fearing man that told me, “Sometimes you need that conviction..to transition yourself to a better position.” When a situation occurs that makes you discover something about yourself that you need to work on, change, or fix it’s hard. It’s easy to say that you’re a work in progress, that you makes mistakes, but you learn from them. But it’s harder to be IN that situation & to keep a positive outlook on the situation. Yes, I know I’ll make it out of the storm and that GOD has already started working on my next storm. 

My paper jam is communication. I have come to realize that communication is a lot more than just talking. Communication, by definition is, “a technique for expressing ideas effectively.” It is more simply being able to talk. It is the ability to get a point across without confusion, express a thought or concern, in a timely fashion.

With each passing day, I have to realize that I am no longer responsible for JUST myself. There’s someone else in my life. Someone with feelings, emotions, thoughts, concerns, problems, SOLUTIONS, opinions, and more. My actions affect this person. On a daily basis, the decisions and choices I make, affect him. My communication, and sometimes lack there of, affect him. If I am not able to tell him what I want or need, how can he be able to help me?  I know I am a woman, so I can talk. But I have to work on communicating – because communicating it more than just “words.”

The greatest part of this relationship is knowing that because of each incident or situation, I am becoming a better person. The hardest part is knowing that sometimes you’re going to have to go through some things, that they won’t able be pretty, fun, or even short in duration. It may suck, we may fight, I may cry. I think the trick is knowing that regardless of the situation what we’re going through either separately or together, that it’s an opportunity for self-growth and development – both separately and together

Once you fix the paper jam, the machines begins to run just as smoothly (and often times a bit better) than before.

 

Above all be blessed,

ajaybeeee

 

 

The 41-day countdown..

41 days remain in my undergraduate journey. 41 days are left of the 4 years that, undoubtedly changed my life. I’m going to be very cliche, but this has been an amazing and interesting journey. I have met a slew of people, from amazing, crazy, unforgettable, and not-so-great. I have met friends, boyfriends (past and present), and associates. I have done things that I’m not so proud of, and experienced moments that I’m glad I had. I’ve partied ’til 8 in the morning, studied my life away for countless exams, stayed up talking all night with friends, and even spent weekends in bed. I still have absolutely no idea where the 4 years have gone. It honestly seemed like just yesterday I was moving in and trying to find my way around campus. It’s crazy how fast time flies…especially when the days feel like they’re endless.

College is an amazing experience when paired with the right university, the right person, and the right time. I was right on time. And my circle is closing.

I have realized, now more than ever, that I am graduating from college. Another chapter in my life is being complete. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sad (..*wipes tear from cheek*), but I’d also be lying if I said I wanted to move as far away from this place as possible. College has a way of making you very comfortable. It puts you in this bubble, where everything you could need or want is within reach. Everything  is done for you or handed to you neatly in a package telling you exactly what it is, with perfectly labelled instructions…Life is not like that so much.

 In 41 days, I leave my bubble. I leave the comforts of on-campus housing, walking to class, and friends being < 1 away. I don’t know where I’ll be going in 41 days. Probably home..but I’m not too psyched about that. 

Too many people act like life is a game, that you just play and that’s it. They spend their time buying stuff they have no business buying, drinking as if their liver is invincible, or clubbing like they have no responsibilities. I’m past that. I’ve passed that. I’ve partied, so it’s not in me anymore..I’d much rather spend an evening painting my toe-nails and cleaning/arranging the clothes in my drawer, than piss-drunk, wishing I was sober, grinding up people. I’m okay. 

While it won’t hit me all at once, in 41 days, I enter the real world, with real people, and real problems. Drinking and clubbing have no business in the real-world..and it’s upsetting to say, that some of the people in my life won’t make it in the real-world unless they get a REAL reality check. 

I’m proud to say that I have only spent 4 years in college, while most spend 5 or 6. I didn’t dick around, waste time and money. While I could had been out sooner, I’m still proud. I’m MORE than proud to say, I have neither conceived nor given birth to a child, while in college. This too happens to so many young girls and guys. I am proud to say I have not become a statistic in ANY of these categories, including my health. Many people lose themselves with they enter the realm of freedom, that is college. But not me. With all thanks to GOD and my mother, I have only become more grounded in the woman that I am. I slipped up a few times, but that only served to put me right back on track. 

In 41 days, I receive my Bachelor’s Degree in Spanish with a Minor in Biology from the Florida State University…my proudest accomplishment to date. I thank GOD for keeping me on this journey, many did not make it…and many more won’t.

…But I did…

 

Above all be blessed,

ajaybeeee

 

You Know When It’s Real..

Like the sun beating down on your skin, you feel the warmth. Like the hairs standing up on the back of your neck, you feel it. When you meet eyes with someone, you feel it. You know it’s there..

You know that in that moment when something, more profound than you could have imagined happens, something bigger than you is taking place. Like planets are aligning, and celestial and cosmic bodies are solidifying. A stranger just changed your life. A glance, a thought that, “He’s the cutest boy in the room” would be the spark that started the beginning…

I’m not saying that this is the end all to the end all, that this is “The One”. But I’m saying there’s a difference. It’s like tasting the difference between faucet water & purified water – you taste it. This is purified water. Have you every been in the same room with someone, unconsciously ignoring them, but when you notice them, they’re noticing you too?..Random, spontaneous things such as cradling pasta with a fork & a spoon suddenly turn into “accidentally, on purpose” events. You think the same thing at the same time..you finish the other person’s sentence before it was even formed, then are terrified that you even knew what they were thinking in the 1st place? Yeah..accidentally on purpose. 

Like many girls, I get lost in my day-dreams of the husband, kids, married life theme. But when I pull myself back to reality, it seems more like a glimpse of the future than a day-dream (which you manifest based on your desires). 

I can only help but to question, When do you know “it’s” real? At what point? Is there an un-fleeting, “aHA!” moment, a “….this is it…” feeling..or is it more like indigestion, it comes, lingers for a minute, then dissipates? 

I must confess, I have said in the past that I’ve been in “real” relationships….but comparatively speaking…nothing compares. Nothing that I have ever felt, felt like what THIS feels like. I’m me for the first time ever, without the need to impress anyone. I’ve never been happier, and that’s the goal right? It’s like..I’m trying to remember a point in other relationships where I reached this point of utopia and I never did. I was never so compatible with a person..I don’t have to “make it work”..because it just does. You see things more clearly when you’re not forcing the puzzles piece to fit in. Things just go..smoothly..no force. Yes, there is effort, hard-work, blood, sweat, and tears (that whole thing)..but it PALES in comparison. 

It feels like everyday is a brand new day, like it’s the 1st day. That the problems of the previous day, didn’t make the cut into the subsequent day..like it was erased clean. 

I leave you with the thought, that you know when it’s real. You know when you have a good thing and what it took to get to that place..and you know that if you really want it..nothing will stand in your way draw you away from it. When you know it’s real, you know it’s worth it.

…..and best of all?…He’s [soo] worth it. 

 

Above All Be Blessed,

ajaybeeee

The Art of Appreciation

“I’m not asking for the world…I’m not asking to become you’re world..just the words to let me know you’re glad I’m in yours…”

Appreciation /əˌprēSHēˈāSHən/
Noun:
1) The recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something.
2) Gratitude for something.

Appreciation..the value exceeds it’s character count. Appreciation, is a rare art form that we don’t utilize or tap into enough. Think about it, how many times do you tell someone that you appreciate them? Even if it’s for something so minute as holding a door open, or providing you with a pencil when you forgot/misplaced yours? I’m sure it slips your mind..but you’ll never forget to ask someone, “what’s good for this weekend?”..It’s a matter of where we lay our priorities and how we express ourselves. If you place priorities on going out, clubbing, drinking, smoking, “tapping that”..you’ll only receive what you transmit. If you put effort into showing those around you that you’re glad that they’re in your life, you’ll receive back. You can act as hard as you want or say how much you could care less about it. EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE just wants to have it MADE KNOWN that they are appreciated. Break down that brick wall around yourself, the true you, and realize that it’s the truth. I’ll be that bold and say it, I’m not afraid of the consequence.

For me, growing up was tough. I remember being about 14/15, and before my mom even came home, I’d have the dishes done, floor swept, dinner thawing, dogs walked. But when my mother walked in through the door, the only thing she seemed to do was complain about how THIS wasn’t done, or how THAT wasn’t right. She never stopped to say, “Wow, Angela, thanks, I appreciate you for this/that” While, the argument can be posed that that is what I SHOULD have been doing, NO ONE, and I MEAN NO ONE, takes pride in doing something that will NOT grant them even the SLIGHTEST bit of recognition/appreciation. I don’t think I’ve ever had the heart to tell my mother that she never appreciated me, because I know she has, I’m not dumb, I’m her daughter, I realize that. But it’s what was not said that I’d have placed value on.

The same thing is true for relationships (other than family). If you’re dating/in a relationship, I believe that an aspect to never let go of, to never get comfortable with is letting the other person know how much you appreciate them. People say that, “if you don’t do it, someone else will” Not to light a fire under your behind, but it really is true. While he/she is wishing you’d just say, “I’m glad you’re with me” or “I’m glad that you’re in my life”…someone else in the world, near or far is dying for that opportunity to tell them. You can buy him/her everything, take them out to lunch/dinner, movies, and spend all the time in the world. But sometimes all a person needs is for you to verbally appreciate them. Personally, I’m learning to take nothing in my relationship for granted. It’s a blessing that I have this person in my life and (GOD strike me down, if I’m lying), but I’m trying to do everything possible to make sure I don’t screw this one up (if it’s in GOD’s will)..I want him to know how much he means to me. And I understand the male mind, where you might not always be verbal. But the language center of the brain is the same. And the same way you always ask your homeboys or homegirls “What’s good for this weekend?” you can also say, “Thank you for being you and being with me”..He/she will value THAT 100x’s more than how much you’re willing to spend on them/do for them. Think about it. The art of appreciation isn’t complicated…If you want the person bad enough, you’ll at least try.

Above all be blessed,
ajaybeeee

Surpassing All Doubt

As people, we often look back on our life, the things we used to do, the people we used to date, how we used to view ourselves. This is a dedication to surpassing all doubt that I am no longer where I used to be.

Cheers to the past, a toast to the future, and a celebration of the present.

I recently took a picture of myself, harmless right? Just me fooling around with this Mac Photo-booth picture. Well, I decided it was time to change some profile pictures and I stumbled upon the picture. I looked at it carefully. I was smiling…and it wasn’t just a, “let me see how cute I can be” type smile..it was a smile from within. A smile that..regardless of all the tears I’ve released in the past year..I’m still here. I’m okay..I’ve surpassed where I was.
I’m not ashamed of anything in my past, it’s a lesson for not only myself, but for others. It’s creeping up on the 1 year of a breakup that (without a doubt) changed my life..and obviously me. I don’t feel it’s necessary to go into details surrounding the relationship. But looking back on where it was, seeing it from the outside in, how it was going downhill, with no rescue in sight, I can see that the LORD truly is amazing. HE knew exactly what I needed and wanted…and although I didn’t know it at the time, HE knew exactly what HE was doing. HE knew I was unequally yoked (even if marriage was far off)…HE knew that, THAT wasn’t for me. It was for me (in HIS permissive will), for me to learn and grow..but it wasn’t what..I mean WHO HE had for me. One thing I will divulge is that I prayed a prayer that said simply, “LORD, put me where ONLY YOU can sustain me. AMEN.”
Little did I know, that meant alone, broken (yet whole)..where my only focus could be on HIM. HE was showing me that all I needed was HIM, HIS love, HIS embrace, HIS presence. That was honestly the hardest moment in life. It hurt, because I didn’t know what HIS plan was, I just knew that I felt broken, I felt like HE was punishing me.
That’s where the cliche, “If I knew THEN, what I know NOW” comes in….IF I KNEW that HE had something AMAZING, beyond all recognition I could have ever imagined, waiting on the other side of the mountain..I would have never wasted so many nights drenched in tears. I would not have worried, because HE already had a plan IN PLACE. HE removed me from a situation, fixed me up, dusted me off, built me up, and blessed me….well, a blessing.
This time last year is incomparable to this year. No keeping count, no arguments, involving other people, no wondering, no pressure. All it is is GOD…it’s nothing but GOD. It’s nothing but HIM showing me how it SHOULD be. It is HIM showing me, that..with time, 100% belief in HIM and HIS plan, I am able to surpass all doubt.

The moral of the story, boys and girls, is that no matter how bad you want something to work out..GOD has something bigger, better, and most importantly beneficial (to HIS kingdom and you) waiting for you. Trusting HIM is the hardest part, but once you surrender all control…you’ve already won.

Above all be blessed,
ajaybeeee

Why Can’t We Just Trust?

Trust /trəst/ [truhst]
• something committed or entrusted to one’s care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.
• a person on whom or thing on which one relies

It’s quite difficult, to define something that you can neither see, taste, touch, smell, or hear. I only pulled from a multitude of options the aforementioned definitions, because for this post, they are most applicable. Trust is a commitment, that someone won’t hurt us or that what we confide in them would remain private. Trust between two people must be learned over time, you don’t just meet a person one day and begin trusting them from the beginning. Humans fulfill our carnal wants (or expectations), while GOD doesn’t.
Our parents, past (and present) experiences, or even relationships are just a few of the many things that create trust issues in our life. If you never grew up with a father, you could harbor resentments towards men that come into your life, thinking, “Well, if my own FATHER wasn’t in my life, there’s no reason to lead me to believe that you will stay.” That is entirely the wrong thought, for entirely the wrong reason. Let’s refer to this as the Translational Theory of Life. A person not wanting to or not being able to stay in your life, shouldn’t and doesn’t translate to others that may come after. Yes, some people may not stay in your life, so let them go. A wise woman, also known as my mother, Vida, told me, “Don’t try to keep something that half wants to go” and, “No matter how much you love someone, if they want to go, let them.” Seems easy right? Wrong. It’s perhaps one of the hardest things. THIS, RIGHT HERE, takes a lot of trust whether you choose to see it or not. I’m trusting that you’re making the right decision, I’m neither trying to change your mind nor your perspective, but if that’s what you want. YOU GOT IT. I may not trust YOUR DECISION, but I am trusting that the man upstairs will make ALL THINGS work together for HIS good.
Personally, trust can stress out of our minds. Wondering, if that person who you thought was your friend would go and reveal your deepest, darkest secret. Wondering, if that person would once were in love with could ever trust you again. Wondering, even if you made the right decision to trust that person in the 1st place!

All of the physical and personal bouts of stress/trust manifest themselves in our spiritual self.
We go to GOD on bended knee, crying our eyes out. Wondering why HE made us go through that experience, snot running down your face, can’t hardly breathe, because you’re sobbing heavily, crying out asking. “why?!”

Matthew 14: 22-32
•Pay attention to verses 27-32.
“…And HE said, ‘come” …and Peter was come down..he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind..he was afraid, and beginning to sink, he cried, saying LORD, save me. And immediately, Jesus, stretched forth his hand and caught him, and said unto HIM, “Oh ye of little faith, why did you doubt me?”

We must learn, as Christians, to trust everything that GOD does. If HE brings us to a storm, we must learn to praise HIM. If HE opens the floodgates of heavens and blessings pour our onto us, we must learn to praise HIM. HE makes no mistakes. Sometimes, HE’s not telling us to stop dancing, only to just change partners. If HE doesn’t want you to be with someone, HE will (and I can testify to this) take them cleanly out of your life. HE can open doors and HE can close doors. He’s a jealous GOD, HE wants you to put no man before HIM, to love no man more than HIM, for what can THAT man do, that HE cannot?

We must learn to be led by the Spirit EVEN IF (capitalized, so you know its’ importance) if leads you down the hardest path. Cliché as it may be, HE will never lead us where HIS twins Grace & Mercy will leave us. So if HE brought us to a situation, it is ONLY because HE knows that outcome, HE knows that you’ll not only get through it, but get through it and be BETTER than how you went into it. HE will never bless you with a headache. If you put IN work, HE will bless you. If you praise HIM in spite of the hardships, HE will bless you. 1 Corinthians 10:
“But by the grace of GOD I am what I am: and his grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I laboured more abundantly tan they all: yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me.”

And as to conclude…Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD will all thine heart; and leave not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths”

Above all be blessed,
ajaybeeee

By Any Means Necessary…

By any means necessary I am going to become the woman that GOD is molding me to be.

By any means necessary my past tests will only transform to be testimonials, so others won’t walk in the same path of error I once strayed into.

By any means necessary I will be bold, bad, wiser, hard, tough, together, calm, cool, collected. By any means necessary love will save the day.

I was doing some deep thinking the other day, and I came to a startling conclusion. I said it before I could really marinate on what I said..and once it exited mine lips, it hit me. I said, “When I honestly take a look at my life, [my most-recent ex] was not supposed to be where I am.” I had to be real with myself and say, that I could not see him being a part of my life, I was fooling myself. Looking back on it now, I abhor the girl that I was, I wasn’t the lady, the woman that I could be. Now, that that tie is broken, I’m on the right path again..
Having said that, I realized, that I am exactly where GOD wants me to be, I am in the position which, HE would have me in. Single, happy, financially stable, and spiritually on fire. I prayed to HIM, after my breakup, to put me into a position where HE can sustain me. That prayer was prayed months ago, and while I didn’t know what HE had planned, I know now, that this moment right here, is it. I’m right on schedule. I’ve learned exactly what I’m supposed to learn, I’ve experienced exactly what HIS permissive/perfect will allowed me to. And now, HE has me here, in this position, to receive whatever blessings HE has lined up for me.

I’m not one of those girls that gets out of a relationship and looks for another one. My turn-around time is 2 years..and that’s fine with me. I don’t know when my next relationship will be. But what I am MORE than certain of, is that THAT relationship will start out as a friendship for NO LESS than 7 months, the phrase, “I love you” will NOT be thrown out until I receive word from GOD, and the “physical” won’t even matter. If you can’t tell by now, my next relationship will be my marriage. I’m claiming it, I’m speaking it into existence. I’m not saying, I’m ready, but that is what shall be.
I’m actually the type of girl that prays for her “exes”. I pray that they seek and reach the clarity that I have and that they lean not unto their own understanding, but the LORD’s. Too many young adults nowadays don’t take dating seriously. They go through the “talking” “boo/bae” stage, and when THEY want, they up the ante. Instead of waiting and relying on the consent of the LORD to guide them. Many of us, enter into relationships with people we have no business formulating a connection with in the first place. I know, I was one of them! But the LORD’s permissive will, allows us to go through certain experiences, but HIS perfect will, takes dominion. My next relationship will ONLY be what the LORD gives to me, I will ONLY walk in HIS footsteps and follow HIS plan for my life.

Worldly relationships and GODly relationships are two completely different things. Figuring out the difference is essential to figuring out the next step. Wordly relationships only satisfy the flesh. You only seek to satiate the “right now” feelings as opposed to the long term feelings. You forget to feed the spiritual aspect of the relationship because you’re “caught up”. I’m not just preaching to myself. GODly dating satisfies the LORD first and foremost. The relationship is created by HIM for the uplifting of HIS kingdom. If HE so chooses to place two people together, it is because they both shall work to give HIM the glory, honor, the praise. The flesh is decreased, the temptation is fought off, and there is NO ROOM for the devil. I don’t know about YOU, but I’m chasing after a GODly relationship…

Above all be blessed,
ajaybeeee